Flee Online Dating

Just for fun, I went to the eHarmony website and filled out their free personality profile.

OK, not so much for fun, but it’s been a pretty dismal year on the dating scene and I thought I’d let the experts take a shot.

I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to find out that the closest person that they list as compatible with me lives almost 180 miles away.

Not only is there nobody in the local area I’m compatible with, there’s nobody in the whole freakin’ state! Or any neighboring state for that matter! I’ve got to go two states up and one to the left to find my soul mate.

Just another one of the burdens I bear, being so exceptional and all….

A few years ago, I went out with a guy from my neighborhood, a slightly geeky sort who shared my love of old movies and bizarre pop culture and seemed well-mannered and attentive and friendly with a lot of folks I knew. Our first date had gone fairly well, so I agreed to spend our second date watching a movie back at his place.

It was a fateful decision.

I don’t remember much about the conversation in the car before we got there, but I do remember that as we lingered outside his apartment door, he confessed that he had an unusual interest that some people found disturbing.

Then the door swung open, we walked in, and I looked around at what I’ve since come to call Serial Killer Central.

The place was packed to the rafters with serial killer memorabilia. Books, movie posters, paintings, skulls — everywhere I looked, I saw something that spoke of death. Noting my deer-in-the-headlights reaction, my date nervously showed me around, trying to set my mind at ease with regard to his dark fascination with Ted Bundy and his ilk. But at that point, a shot of morphine — or even, say, a handkerchief full of chloroform — couldn’t have set my mind at ease. I was in total freak-out mode.

The last thing I remember was stopping in front of a crude painting of an elfin warrior princess. He said it had been sent to him by John Wayne Gacy, the Chicago clown killer who murdered more than 30 teenage boys.

And with that, the date — all 20 minutes of it — was over, although it continues to live on in Mona’s Scary Date Hall of Fame.

We all have them, those funny-scary stories of dates gone horribly, horribly wrong, although, just to be clear, I’m not talking about the truly scary stuff, dates that involve the police or protection orders or months of therapy and/or Prozac.

I’m talking about dates that some well-intentioned acquaintance accidentally sets you up with your ex-husband or your creepy boss or — gasp! — your little brother. Or the time you went to meet an online date — a cute redhead who looked a lot like your second-grade teacher — only to discover that it was your second-grade teacher, 30 years and three facelifts later.

Here are a few more tips that apply to either sex, and probably to those in-betweeners as well.

1. When asked out on a date, there are only two correct answers: “Yes” or “No.” Polite evasions or attempts to spare the other party’s feelings are like pulling a Band Aid off slowly. In an attempt to minimize the pain, you actually make it hurt more and last longer.
2. When asked for a second date, Rule 1 still applies. If you would rather dive into a swimming pool filled with hungry piranha than go out with this person again, say so. Don’t be that blunt about it, but be honest and direct. It’s better to be stabbed through the heart than drawn and quartered.
3. If you happen to be going out with someone who violates rule 1 or 2, run. If by some chance your perseverance is rewarded with an actual relationship, this type of passive-aggressive behavior will slowly reduce you to a quivering lump of grade school cafeteria tapioca. Heed the warning signs and leave with your dignity and spine intact.
4. Remember, this is a first date. The C word and the M word (Commitment and Marriage to you rookies.)are to be avoided at all costs. Talking about them is a sure sign of either increasing desperation or unresolved emotional baggage and is a sure fire ticket back to singing “Alone Again, Naturally.”
5. Asking what your date does for a living is fine; asking how much they make at it is not. It is amazing how many miss this subtle distinction. The only possible response to a question this rude is to answer with a lie. Tell ‘em you made a mint in software design and got out before it crashed. Then take ‘em home to your doublewide and see how quickly they remember another engagement they have to go to. If you don’t have a doublewide, let me know; I’ll hook you up.
6. As a rule, fibbing is permitted but lying is not. For example, it’s OK to tell your date that you think her dress looks nice on her when in truth it resembles a gunny sack after a particularly brutal potato sack race. It’s not OK to tell her that you love her just to get into her panties. Which by the way is a severe behavioral disorder; men wear boxers or briefs, never panties.
7. I’ll finish up this section with a twin bill: Never settle, but give everyone a chance. The one you overlook or blow off just might be the one you needed. Look at it this way; if the majority of your dates end badly, and you keep choosing the same type of person to date, well then, like the man said, the simplest definition of insanity is to repeat the same steps over and over but expect different results. On the other hand, if you’ve been out a few times, and things are nice, but not what you’re looking for, don’t stick with it out of fear of being alone. Don’t settle for less than you need.

Blind dates have their own special set of rules. First, you have to realize that if you’re out on a blind date, it means that you have been unable to find an acceptable date on your own, for whatever reason, and now have to resort to friends, the internet, newspaper ads or telephone chat lines to find someone willing to go out with you. This sounds harsh, and it is, but it’s also true. It could be that you simply don’t have the time to look for a companion and so have to rely on somebody else to do it for you. You might be a single parent, or work 60 hours a week, or something similar, or you just might not now where to meet people. In any event, the important thing to remember is that whoever you hook up with is in the same boat.

So be nice.

1. Be extra polite and considerate of your date’s feelings. The normal tension of a first date is quadrupled in a blind date, and an off-the-cuff remark may cause your date to break out into tears. If he does, just realize he’s under a great deal of stress, and isn’t totally himself.
2. Plan an activity that you will enjoy, regardless of the company. This has a triple benefit. First, if you are enjoying yourself, you’ll feel less tension, and will be more likeable. Second, you find out if your date is in to something you’re in to, and finally, why be miserable just because your date is?
3. Don’t mistake desperation for attraction. You don’t want just anybody; you want somebody. If the only reason you’re going out with someone is because it’s better than being alone, then you’re wasting your time going out with the wrong person. Find the right one.
4. On a related note, and this applies to more than just blind dates, “Love the One you’re With” is great as a lyric but rarely works as a lifestyle. Leaving aside the attendant problems (pregnancy, disease, AIDS, palimony, and boiled bunny rabbits), it can really interfere with attempts to form a real relationship.

Now then, let’s assume you’ve been dating for awhile and you’ve become intimate; you’re not out of the woods yet my friend. There are still plenty of pitfalls waiting to trip you up and gore your vitals with sharp pointy sticks smeared with rat feces.

I may have pushed that analogy a bit too far but I’ll press on with a few tips for the steady dater:

1. 3-6 dates. You’ve been going out for a couple of weeks to a month. You are now officially an item. You’re in that touchy area where dating around is starting to morph into cheating. While there may have been no explicit discussions of monogamy, you know it’s on the table in the near future. How do you navigate this minefield? Rule of thumb: If you feel the need to hide it, don’t do it. And I mean that both ways: don’t do what you’re thinking about hiding and don’t hide what you’re thinking about doing. Openness and honesty are the keys to surviving this crucial time.
2. 6-10 dates. That loose feeling in your stomach is the realization that you are now in a relationship. Her toothbrush is in your bathroom or his socks are under your bed. Domesticity isn’t knocking on the door selling encyclopedias for the kids just yet, but it’s in the neighborhood and headed your way. Do not panic. You wanted this, remember? Those lonely nights sitting in the living room in your underwear listening to the Carpenters sing “Yesterday Once More” (I’m sharing too much again, aren’t I?)drove you here. The mild panic is just a reflex; your inner child is afraid of change. Ride it out; you’ll feel much better in about a week.
3. 10+ dates. You are no longer dating; you are a couple, and you just go out. You’re settling into a comfortable zone. THIS IS A DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN!!! As soon as you get comfortable, you begin to take things for granted, and I guarantee your partner will do something to make you a bit less comfortable if you’re not careful. Something like using your dirty laundry to potty train a diarhettic St. Bernard. And you don’t even have a dog; your partner had to go to the pound to find one.If you’ve already screwed up and gotten to this point, take immediate action to correct the problem. Buy jewelry for women or power tools for men. Men, if you are the one who lapsed, apologize abjectly. If your partner is the one who goofed, you still apologize abjectly. This is known as Hailey’s Law of Non-Reciprocity, which states that the only offense more grievous than being wrong in an argument with your spouse is being right.

OK, enough with the tips. Feel free to add your own in the comments, or disagree with the ones I’ve posted. Share a dating horror story or two; we’ve all got ‘em, that’s for sure. As for me, I’m headed out to a hockey game tonight.

Nope, not a date, just an evening out with family.

You have just lost your man due to a breakup and want him back. You are utterly confused as to why men pull away from relationship. The answer to this question is not as simple as you may want it to be. A decent man would not walk out of a relationship for another woman. Even if the man is with another woman after a break up there usually is a deeper reason for why men pull away from a relationship.

The basic need of a man from a relationship is admiration. All men want to be admired, especially by their partner. They require your respect and approval to feel comfortable in the relationship. Even if the guy is the most ugly, obese, lazy and unemployed admiration is what they look for.

You may find yourself in a situation where you don’t know what to do. That’s absolutely fair because men are seeking for admiration even when they don’t deserve any at all. They don’t get the admiration they feel they should get, that’s why men pull away from the relationship. It gives them a false belief that somehow you are dissatisfied with them and they don’t have your respect and approval. And if you find him in the arms of another woman the possible reason is that the approval and admiration he was looking for from you, he is getting from her.

Now that you know the possible reason why men pull away from a relationship try and figure out if it applies to your relationship too. When was the last time you dressed up for him? When was the last time you showed interest in listening to his achievements in his work? Do you still laugh at the stupid jokes he cracks? Above all do you find anything about the man that you think you can respect and admire whole heartedly?

If you want him back there has to be something in him that you still admire and love. The pressure of the daily routine usually makes you oblivious of the fact that even though you admire your man you are not expressing it as much as you should be. Or at least as much as he thinks you should be. Though men are less sensitive than women but they can feel the lack of admiration very easily and this is one of the obvious reason and might be the reason why your man pulled away from you.

Now you know the possible reason for why your guy must have left you. This might be the actual reason or maybe there are some other reasons. But its worth trying to understand if you really did admire him as much as he perceived he should have been. Once you understand why men pull away do something now to keep your man stay by your side.

Friday night at Happy Feet dance studio start with a 1 hour lesson. Dancers rotate, so you get to meet plenty of people. A half hour into this lesson I get paired with a woman that screams with delight: “A man! You’re the first one I’ve had tonight!”.

That very instant, online dating sites start to feel absurd, even quaint. I’ve met half a dozen women in 20 minutes, some of them cool, others flirtatious. 10 guys were missing to even out the gender balance. On dating sites, the balance is horrible, with guys competing for attention and women overwhelmed. Why are guys paying for dating sites, and not going to dance classes?

Nadia, one of the instructors, encourages me to take both the swing and Lindy hop classes starting Monday because they are missing leads. I take a few minutes to go to the bank machine to get money for the classes.

On my way back, I see 5 drunk chumps hollering at the sales guy in front of a nude dance bar on Pico Blvd. “What’s the cover?” He crosses the street to convince them, gets their attention. He’ll surely rope them in. They’ll exit more intoxicated, more frustrated, but having bonded.

I walk another block, up 2 flights of stairs into a crowded room of dancers having fun. It’s a safe and fun place to meet people, like the social dances I remember going to in New York as a kid: all ages, everyone dancing with everyone. My parents met over tango and waltzes. Countless aunts and uncles did the same. Maybe rock and roll really did screw things up for everyone?

The very geeky idea of creating an online profile keeps bubbling up. I know, it can be a real crap shoot.  Unfortunately, I keep seeing better ways for people to meet than through computer-mediated communications.I don’t know, maybe its just me. Is it?